Jokes in the Bible and Church

My family and good friends know it but those who only know me through media are unaware of the fact that I am something of a ‘closet clown’. I suspect if any family member reads this there would be strong objection to that adjective before clown. It’s too embarrassing to tell you some of the statements they make when they catch me laughing to myself, often. Well, truth be told I find humour in odd places, like in the Bible and in otherwise sober Church meetings.

For instance, while I was the Pastor at Phillippo Baptist in Spanish Town, Jamaica, I attended a funeral at a nearby Church. It was a courtesy visit because I had no clue who the deceased was. I discovered upon entering the chapel that the Church’s tradition was that all clergy persons were to be seated on the platform and each had to say ‘a little something’. A puzzle to me but…So I thought I would simply gauge my few words from what the other Pastors said. Then the clown rushed out of the closet when one Pastor went up and said “Brethren, I thank God that our Lord Jesus Christ said ‘I am the Alpha and the Minga, the beginning and the end’.” I had to stuff my handkerchief in my mouth and leave the platform through a back door so as not to spoil the dignity of that funeral service. To this day I still wonder if that Pastor had never seen the word omega written. Then I remind myself that not every clergyman can read.

This dear clergy brother I heard about who had difficulties with reading would have someone read the text then he would explain the text for the congregation. This particular Sunday the text was Ps. 24.7-10. So the reader read verses 7 and 8 and the preacher commanded her to read the last part of verse 8 again “mek dem hear” (so they can hear). So the reader read “The Lord strong and mighty the Lord mighty in battle.” As she uttered the word battle the preacher said “Hole aan mek mi preach now. Unnu hear wah di Bible seh. Di Laad mighty in bakkle. Now unnu look how bakkle neck lilli, an fi mi Gaad gu dung inna it go mighty.” (Pause let me preach now. Did you hear what the Bible said ‘The Lord mighty in bottle’ Now look how small a bottle’s neck is and yet my God goes down into it and be mighty) Trust me if I was present the ushers would probably throw me out for disturbing the worship.

Could you keep a straight face if you heard live in Church what Rev. Dr. Gerry Gallimore told me happened in a Jamaican Church? This elderly brother was reading Ps. 150.3 “Praise him with the sound of the trumpet: praise him with the psaltery and harp.” The problem was that our brother pronounced psaltery with an articulated ‘P’ and the word came out as Psaltree. There were audible quizzical sounds coming from the congregation like “seh wah?”(say what?) and “mmh?” So on hearing this, the brother decided to add a bit of clarification for the brethren and proceeded to inform them “Some of you may not be aware of ancient Israel but the Psaltree was a special tree in Israel at the time and it bore fruit all year round.”

My leading source of humour in the Bible is the Apostle Peter. Nice guy, but his personality is such that, at times, he speaks from his gut without thinking too tough on what he is planning to say. Mt. 14. 25-28 is a riot. The context is key. The disciples are in a boat on a lake between 3.00 and 6.00 am (fourth watch of the night, Roman reckoning). Jesus proceeded to walk on the lake toward the boat and on seeing this nebulous figure they bawled out in fear “ah duppy” (Chisholm’s Jamaican version = ghost). So to relax them Jesus said “Sekkle ah mi, uunu too fraidy fraidy.” (Be cool, it is I, you guys are too easily scared). Listen now to our jumpy youth Peter in standard English, “Lord, if it’s you, tell me to come to you on the water.’ Nice ID test my youth. No imposter would dare respond to that airtight challenge! Then the figure said “Come.” I can just hear Peter to himself when his brain caught up with his mouth, “But mi nuh eediat.” (but I am so silly). Had he said that audibly I am sure the other disciples would have concurred. Worse, my boy stepped over the edge of the boat onto the water and interestingly, actually walked toward Jesus. Fortunately for Peter it really was Jesus, because after a while he began to sink and prayed sensibly and concisely (unlike some folk in Church today) three critical words “Lord, save me.” Notice though that v. 32 says “And when they climbed into the boat…” Presumably Jesus did not carry Peter back to the boat they both walked on water back to the boat!

Find the time to read the hilarious account of Balaam and the ass in Numbers 22. This account really cracks me up. The spiritual seer is in the face of danger and sees nothing. The dumb Jenny (female donkey) sees the danger and acts to save both their lives and Balaam, in anger, flogs the ass repeatedly. Then wonder of wonders, the text says in v.28 “the Lord opened the mouth of the ass and she said unto Balaam…” Then Balaam enters into dialogue with the donkey, totally clueless that something unusual was happening. Any time I preach from that text I ask the congregation “who really is the ass in the account?”

Just to trouble Peter yet again. Do you remember what happened on the Mount of transfiguration? Jesus and Peter are there and our Lord’s appearance became startlingly bright, intensely luminous and Moses and Elijah appear on the scene. Peter is awed as any one of us would be and says “Lord it is good for us to be here let us erect three shelters, one for you, another for Moses and the other for Elijah.” So where will you be sheltered Peter? “Well aahm, naturally, I, I, my, my…” Mouth gaan lef brain again. (mouth ahead of brain again) Nice fellow though.

I close with a beauty, a mixture of the humourous and the profound. In a rural Jamaican Church a deacon was praying for the Guest Preacher just before he preached and prayed “Jesas, dumb him so him cyan speak fi yu.” (Jesus, cause him to become dumb so that he may speak for you), Mmhh?

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